Category: Cheerfully Coaching

There is much to think about, much to practice in light of the two and a half tips provided in Part I of 5 Tips on Readying Yourself for Marriage. But there are a few more that’ll give you a jump start with a spark to help you towards warm bliss even through seasons of wintry blizzards. To continue on with circulating the 4 C’s, the next thing after practicing consideration and communication with your significant other, there needs to be…

Compromise, pointing out a dichotomy in its meaning, in that it’s great to compromise, exercising a little give and take, to bring forth a mend in a rift that resulted out of disagreement or to pursue peace. Yet, it also, calls for caution, not to compromise who you know yourself to be in the eyes of God, your faith, nor core values that are aligned with the Word of God.  For to compromise one’s values too much is like playing on a seesaw with someone who is extremely unequal in weight, that if there’s a lean too heavily on one end, one is always up in the air, and the other never gets off the ground.  It’s like a mathematical formula, where you and your spouse are the right components in your relationship, two people brought together by God to add to each other, and multiply to complete a Kingdom purpose together, but if the right values are missing and/or incorrect ones are used, you will inevitably get the wrong results.  And, it’ll have you wondering, where am I, who am I? So, it’s important to not lose yourself by always conceding your God-given desires.  However, make room within yourself, for your special someone, by setting aside some of what you want to allow their Divinely inspired desires to transpire, as well. Some of the most beautiful songs are created by a duet of great talents, those who compromised on which parts they’d sing in their collaboration to follow through on what had been agreed upon.  I believe for you that you and your partner can make beautiful music together, as well.

Collaboration requires that you be ready to answer a committed YES! as you ask yourself, “Am I ready to do what I said I’d do?  Am I ready to do my part?” Collaboration is a consistency of working with your partner to bring forth the results agreed upon. If you’ve ever worked in a team at work or played on one in sports, you know there’s a dependency on you consistently and reliably performing what you agreed to do. It’s no different in a marriage. The two of you will be a team. Your home is your work place or ball court. Collaborating on tasks and issues makes you part of the solution, and not part of the problem.  Winston Churchill once said, “The price of greatness is responsibility.” No matter what stage of the dating game you may be in, surely you want to have a “GREAT” relationship!

Tip #4: Synchronized Symbiosis

One of the most common complaints in a dating relationship or marriage is “She/He expects me to read her/his mind!” So often sought, so frequently expected, yet, there’s often a hindrance that is placed up by one or both that prevents that desired closeness required to enable a synchronization of hearts to achieve that goal.  Though being on a level to do that at all times may seem impossible, there is a oneness that comes with being unified not only by The Holy Spirit, but unified by the intertwine of both your spirit and your spouse’s. According to Genesis 2:24,25 spouses were created to come together as Adam and Eve did, become one, and not be ashamed. This indicates a closeness that calls for a level of transparency. An access where your special someone can peer beyond the temporal; clothes, skin & flesh into the depths of your soul.  A willingness is needed on your part to be translucent so you can feel safe and comfortable when your mate genuinely feels and says “I love you because I see you, through you, to the true you.”  This paves a journey, because it’s not fully instant.  It creates a trail to allowing your significant other access to understanding all of you, the parts we all have; the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is not mentioned just because it’s something each spouse should be willing to do but because it’s something the Spirit of The Lord will begin to initiate, when He is that third strand, mentioned in Part I of 5 Tips on Readying Yourself for Marriage. For it is a bi-product of the function of your soul being knitted to the soul of your mate, that gives you the ability, as you yield to it, to develop a choreographed grace to dance across the floors of life with each other.  The secret to work in tandem with Christ as the Head of your life is, well… no secret at all. It’s a matter of, as we are taught about perfect love in 1 John 4:18, consistently practicing a love that cast out fears. And, it starts, but is not confined to the boundaries, of your home. For everyone is called to ministry, because at a minimum, even when not called to ministering in a church, one definition of ministering means “the act of serving”, to which we are called.  You are called to serving your mate, your children, and your extended family.  Your marriage is your first ministry and your home is the soil in which it will be nurtured.

Tip #5: Nurture the Environment

Anything that grows, needs to be nurtured.  Marriages can grow or become stunted, so it’s imperative to sow into your relationship by, not necessarily focusing so much on what you bring into it materially, but what you sow into each other spiritually and emotionally. Tilling the soil of your marriage spans much more than I can give you in the space of this article. So, encouragement, appreciation, and refreshing will be discussed to get you going on a good start.

Encouragement

As mentioned above, perfect love drives out fear. One of the intangible things you can give as an act of love is courage. The word encourage French/Latin root meanings; “En-” which is “to put in” and “courage” is “heart”; to give heart, which is a metaphor for inner strength. With encouragement, you can began to destroy the thorns of your mate’s doubts about any shortcomings, challenges, or new endeavors that can cause fear. Give heart that all things can be done through Christ who strengthens. Give heart that their shortcomings are not solely what defines them, but it’s the totality of their design that makes them the perfect piece of the puzzle helping you to further complete the picture of your life.  Give heart that as Ecclesiastes 4:9,10 says “Two are better than one… if either of them falls down one can help the other up…” Because, love is an action word.  So though it is wonderful to hear and should be said often, showing your soon to be life partner that you are there as a reliable source of support can be very encouraging. And it communicates, non-verbally, an appreciation that God has placed this person in your life.

Appreciation

Showing appreciation is important because it ensures the rocks of life don’t prevent the roots of your relationship from going deeper.  It helps to ground your relationship in gratitude, especially during and/or after difficult times.  Hardships, those of the past and those you will encounter together, can harden a soul spirit and outlook towards people and life as they are experienced. Appreciation of your future partner’s presence, their thoughts, time, and efforts can soften their feelings, refreshing their hope, helping your special someone feel… well, special, and be more open to you.

Refreshing

Being ready to refresh your mate with new hope; to replace hope that may have been snatched away on any previous day; to wipe away the traces of shed tears; giving them hope that things can be different. Refresh their mind and body as you show your appreciation by periodically doing something thoughtful that temporarily relieves them of normal tasks or duties. Refresh their spirit by simply spending time with each other talking about and enjoying blessings, expressing aloud new dreams and aspirations that the two of you can bring forth through collaboration as the cycle of love comes around again.  This keeps your union light, not bogged down by burdens, bringing a refreshing by replenishing vision for a bright future.

Sow Seeds, and nourish your soil helping progress to flow, not Weeds that only to block nourishment to grow. Sow into your relationship the things that propagates potential, fosters faith, and blooms belief within your partner, not only in public but in the privacy of your personal time together. Mentioned in Part I of 5 Tips on Readying Yourself for Marriage, first and foremost of all, inviting and keeping Christ and His Spirit leading at the helm of your relationship is the solidifying factor for it’s strengthening.  Knowing yourself before God empowers you to be confident and steadfast in who you are in Christ, and to set boundaries around the values you live by according to the Will of God.  Circulating the 4 C’s, by giving your partner Consideration, being open to Communication, Compromise and Collaboration lays a layer of foundation to build towards transparent acceptance. Embracing each opportunity, whether in good times or bad, to build each other up through encouragement, appreciation and refreshing, in thought, word, and deed builds another layer of respect and honor.  As Amy Grant said, “Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it’s not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long.”  God prepares each of us for the blessings He plans to give us. As you start implementing these tips, you will be essentially saying “Yes” to the process, while God is also preparing your spouse for you, too.  May the God, who is Love, bless your journey towards each other!

Love you with the Love of God!

LuKeisha Carr Ministries International

Even the greatest love stories have their rough and tumble trying times in the middle, before the story ends in a, for the most part, happily ever after. Have you considered about your future marriage, “Who am I? And how, I wonder, will this story end?”  There’s no way to know for sure what turbulence you will hit along the journey of the unity of matrimony, nor any way to absolutely know how it’s going to end, but you certainly can, even if you have yet to find your boo, begin building a solid foundation starting with you. Focus is frequently so intently on how to find the right mate, when we seldom understand what it takes to be the right mate, thinking that to be ready means to simply want to settle down. There has been times that even I have uttered to myself, “how would I feel being married to me?”, as a way to evaluate my own readiness for a union that God will so graciously bless me with.

A comment I just recently read, and caught my eye, offered by Dennis & Barbara Rainey, “A marriage license doesn’t make a marriage. It only gives you the right to start building one.”  That made me think of what Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:25 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock.”  The idea of a large elaborate wedding and the bliss of a union of newly established love, pleasantly brings thoughts of sunrise and endless days of cloudless sunshine. But, as presented in 1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV, “…those who get married… will have troubles…”  Therefore, there will be times you will encounter a muddy puddle you’ll have no choice but to wade through as well as storms to survive, that don’t have to shrivel your marriage but make your tie to each other stronger.  Most of what’s about to be shared, you can apply to your life right now, even if you haven’t yet found “the one!“, but maybe you are dating.  All, except one that only applies to marriage that will be revealed in part II, can easily be slightly modified to fit, transferred to, and used within, any relationship, such as; co-workers, friendships, siblings, and parents.  I say this because the more you practice these tips, the more you’ll be ready when matrimony time arrives, helping you plan & build upon the one and only Solid Rock before you agree to walk the paths of life together.

Tip #1: Stand Strong with the Shining Strand 

To insert a caveat, before I get into the reason it’s good to be married, remember that marriage does not always or all inclusively make life easier, nor does it rid or cure you, or your potential mate, the temptations each of you battle or feed before you tie the knot.  Though said before the time we had to be concerned about such things, according to God, as He told to Adam in the Garden just before creating Eve, “it is not good for man to be alone.” And as stated in Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV; “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  In Part II, we’ll get into the why and how the two of you can be nurturing for each other under the covering of Christ, who is the third and Shining Strand.

Covenant relationships are vulnerable to division. Division enters by way of unpleasant issues, those known and unknown, about our potential mate and ourselves.  It intrudes upon unions that God puts together because the forces of darkness knows that where there is unity, there is strength and power. The intrusion can be apparent or seem very subtle almost unnoticed.  It can come by way of large crisis or behaviors that erode core values that are nutrients of the soil your relationship should be rooted in.  As you keep Christ, the Pure Strand of Light, as the head of your daily life in word and deed, He is that added strength that will bind you and your mate together, rendering the issues of life and any personal foibles unable to tear apart what God puts together.

Tip #2: Know Yourself Before God

Part of working with God to strengthen your relationship is leaning on Him to understand yourself. And, though it is not impossible to do if you are already engaged, or married, it’s best to begin before you do so.  Back in mid 2010, God started me on a four year (yup, FOUR YEARS!) dating hiatus. As any typical, healthy young woman, I too was seeking to find what I thought was my better half. I now know there are no better half’s when you allow yourself to become whole as God fills your spirit-man with what you’ve always longed for, yet without Him, never can truly find. So, as I began my walk with Christ in late 2010 and continued beyond, the prayers for a Godly husband began. But, he hadn’t manifested. And, if your spouse has not manifested, yet, don’t be discouraged. If God hasn’t decided to set you apart especially for Himself, you will connect with your future spouse someday. Be encouraged, because the mate chosen for you may be going through a preparation process to be united with you, too. And, that’s why I want to share with you my very brief story. As I prayed, periodically, for a husband, a couple of times God gently told me; “Be Patient, My child. Come into the fullness of who you are before I add anyone to your life.” After hearing that, I focused on finding myself, knowing myself, understanding who God created me to be and the plans He has for my life.

When you begin to walk in, and measure yourself by, what God says about you, ignoring what others say, you are getting closer to knowing yourself before God. This helps you to know your gifts and talents, so you know exactly where and in what you are to operate in intentionally, with excellence and genuine inward fulfillment.  As undesirable as it may seem, you will know and understand more about what you now consider weaknesses.  Some you won’t be able to change, but because of what God says you can accept.  Others are ones, that with God’s help you can overcome. And, like the Apostle Paul, you can also receive God’s promise, as shown to us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “’My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’…”  That is Empowering! Empowering because before the person is added to your life, you are strong, self-sufficient, and secure that you are content with being YOU!  Thus, when you cleave with your mate, there’s no loss of core or essential parts of yourself in the effort to put too much of who you are aside to please your spouse. Instead, it is Empowering to be productive, enabling you to communicate, giving the best of who you are to whomever comes into your life! Giving, never losing, because you’re always producing the essence of you!

Tip #3: Circulate the 4 C’s

Usually, I go deeper into these in group coaching workshops, but these are a good start to help you on your way to prepare for your walk down the aisles of life with your potential mate. These are bricks or layers of your foundation where one builds on top of another. Consideration must be present to have the desire to communicate properly. Communication must be present in order to know what you need to compromise about. Compromise is what you will plan with your future spouse to do together in collaboration. And, Collaboration is what actions you both will carry out based on your plan.

Consideration for another, done so on a regular basis without begrudging, is an indication that you have made room for that person in your heart and all that matters to you. Romans 12:10 NIV says to, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Think back to a time when someone was considerate to you regarding your time, your feelings, your dreams and desires. How did that experience make you feel? What did you think about the person who wanted to hear your thoughts and ideas? Think about how you would feel at the moment of a sense of belonging and significance you would have when you are welcomed into the wholeness of another’s world. It is something that can make you smile! Imagine that for a lifetime, even through up and downs that can make it easier said than done, yet does not excuse the practice of consideration. Thoughtful acts fueled only with your desire to include and integrate your future spouse into your daily activities and long-term plans, plus taking into account their wants and needs, can remove much of the clutter that could possibly cause some trip-ups that were never meant to be inevitable.

Communication is a fundamental foundation to a successful friendship, partnership, or romantic relationship. Even non-human species have a life dependent lean on communication through the clucks, crickets, and cries they use.  On a higher level, there is a needed and available bidirectional Divinely created communication plan set up for our relationship between God and us, which is prayer, through which we speak to Him, and what we often forget when it comes to Him, there is listening. What allows us humans, placed between the wild and the Wonders of the Heavens, to be exempt from communicating with each other?

Here’s why communication is paramount to relationships, based on some of its Greek root meanings. To communicate is to be ready and apt to socially maintain communion, which in Greek has been used synonymously with fellowship.  Communion or fellowship means being in participation or in partnership with others.  And, to communicate within a partnership is to make those around you, in the context of this topic the spouse of your dreams, a sharer in, not only your physical possessions, but also the impartation of what you freely give from who you are on the inside. The word impart stresses that the giver gives something precious to the recipient, as if part of the giver resides within what’s being shared.

There are many reasons, none to be ashamed of, why some find it difficult to communicate, but it is possible to do and to improve.  Additionally, it is extremely necessary. For, without it, intrudes the division touched upon earlier, causing consistent misunderstanding and conflict due to confusion, which is not of God since He is a God of order.  A perfect example of how powerful communication is, is seen in Genesis 11:1-9, which starts out in the first verse, “Now the whole world had one language and common speech.” This indicating everyone could communicate and understand each other. But, they began to take pride in themselves, cutting God out of their decisions, and started to build a tower to reach the heavens and make names for themselves that God did not want them to build.  In Genesis 11:6&7, God says as He sees what they are doing, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come,… garble their speech so they won’t understand each other.”  In this scenario, God was not the enemy, but the loving guardian, keeping them from doing something non-beneficial to them.   As an example of how not communicating can cause division, as told to us in Genesis 11:8, they were scattered “…all over the earth and they stopped building…” A marriage, however, is something you want to keep building upon over your time together, and absolutely possible because God said that with communication, we can do anything! Think about how strong and powerful your marriage can be! This is a wonderful testament to the power of communication.

To achieve this as much as you can, there needs to be a willingness to discuss anything, even the difficult things, by allowing your mate to express their feelings, thoughts, and mistakes, without judgment or interruption, because it’s your turn to listen.  Listen with your heart, not just your ears, but with a genuine desire to understand. Your future mate will want to truly feel like their feelings and concerns matter to you.  At your opportunity to express, your willingness to set aside your own fears or hesitations will need to be exercised so you can share your feelings, thoughts, and needs in a peaceful loving and kind way.  As I, myself, had to learn years ago as I began my walk with Christ, you have the right to speak the truth in love. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, because “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”  Then, you will be ready to plan, problem solve, and make progress through whatever it is the two of you face or endeavor to accomplish!

Yes! I promised you FIVE tips, but you only read two and a half in Part I! So…

Read the rest in 5 Tips on Readying Yourself for Marriage – Part II!

Love you with the Love of God!

LuKeisha Carr Ministries International